ranting/rambling

I find myself turning to this source out of pure desperation, when there is absolutely no outlet for my grief and sadness. I'd like to consider it a form of therapy - facing my thoughts, feelings head-on. If you run away from something, it never goes away, it will stay inside you forever. If you fight something, it only makes that something stronger. Then again, until you find something you are willing to fight for, you'll always be looking for something to fight against.

My life is completely and utterly upside-down - 180 degrees from where I was just 3 months ago. Things will never be the same. I would never expect them to be. I don't want them to be. But I do want them to be different than they are at this very moment. Much different.

Our entire world is fleeting. Each moment passes and we are closer to the end - the old cliche of being suspended in a constant and consistent state of moving toward the finale. A pessimistic point-of-view: we are perpetually dying.

Maybe a happy ending is just knowing when to drop the curtain. You have to drop it at that exact moment of bliss for it to hold any meaning. One moment too late and we are right back where we started.

blank

i chewed ambien again. the coating gets stuck in my teeth for hours. it doesn't work fast enough when i just swallow it. i need immediate relief. sleep can't come soon enough.

today it was ramen noodles that set me off. how pathetic - 5 years of schooling, a dual degree, i can't even afford to put more than ramen noodles in my stomach. i contemplated the 2 forties of old e in the fridge. that would be a quick way to fall asleep.

i've been crying for almost 3 hours. my dad's gone - well on his way to his new life in san diego with his new spouse and new uncorrupted, normal son that he always wanted. can't spend time with his DNA-bearing spawn but can run away across the country with his new family. i envy how easy it is for him to leave it all behind. my mom won't pick up the phone. i need someone to talk to. not even to talk to, just to be near. a body. i just need a warm, heaving chest next to me. i have no one. i am so fucking alone.

i do love fall, though. it's kind of twisted if you think about it. it's the season where things are steadily dying and decaying that i feel most alive.

8 Dead, 1 Missing In Minn. Plane Crash

CBS News Interactive: Eye On Air Safety
OWATONNA, Minn. (CBS News) ―


A small jet crashed in strong thunderstorms Thursday while preparing to land at a regional airport in Minnesota, killing at least eight people, including several casino and construction executives.

Sheriff Gary Ringhofer said there were at most nine people aboard the Raytheon Hawker 800, which went down at a regional airport about 60 miles south of the Twin Cities. He said investigators were looking into whether there was a passenger who is unaccounted for.

Seven people were dead at the scene. One died later at a hospital.

Atlantic City Mayor Scott Evans told The Associated Press that those on board included two high-ranking executives from Revel Entertainment, which is building a $2 billion hotel-casino project in Atlantic City, and several employees of Tishman Construction. He didn't know their identities, but said Revel CEO Kevin DeSanctis was not on board. Tishman is helping with the Revel project, a company spokesman said.

The charter jet, flying from from Atlantic City, N.J., to Owatonna, a town of 25,000, went down in a cornfield northwest of Degner Regional Airport, scattering debris, Ringhofer said. The wreckage was not visible to reporters because tall corn obscured the crash site.

The airport lies alongside Interstate 35 as it skirts Owatonna's western edge, CBS affiliate WCCO-TV reports.

Cameron Smith, a mechanic at the airport, said he spoke by radio with the jet's pilot just minutes before the crash. The pilot was about to land and was asking where he should park for fuel, Smith said.

He ran to the crash scene to see if anyone could be helped, but saw only a long skid path and debris that he described as "shredded."

"There was no fuselage. There were just parts," he said.

Quinn Johnson, an assistant manager at a restaurant about three miles from the airport, didn't see the crash, but heard it. She initially thought it was a tornado.

"It lasted, I'm guessing, probably 15, 20 seconds, maybe slightly longer than that. It was a really, really loud, kind of a rumbling, screechy type noise," Johnson said.

The crash happened as severe weather battered parts of southern Minnesota. An hour before the accident, a 72 mph wind gust was reported in Owatonna, according to the National Weather Service.

Both Smith and Johnson said the crash happened after the worst of the storm had passed, with the sky clearing and only light rain.

The plane had been scheduled to land at 9:42 a.m., then take off at 11:40 a.m. for Crossville, Tenn.

Viracon earlier this year was awarded a contract to supply glass to the World Trade Center replacement project. The company's president, Don Pyatt, told the Owatonna People's Press that the customers were from "a couple of different companies" who were coming to the plant to discuss a project in Las Vegas.

Pyatt gave no other details, and didn't return a call from The Associated Press.

Mary Ann Jackson, a spokeswoman for Viracon's parent company Apogee Enterprises Inc., confirmed to AP that the people on the plane were customers of Viracon but declined to provide any other details. She said no Viracon employees were involved in the crash.

The airport lies alongside Interstate 35 as it skirts Owatonna's western edge. The airport's Web site describes it as "ideal for all classes of corporate aircraft use" with an all-weather instrument landing system. "Maintaining access to Owatonna's business community in all weather conditions is a priority," the site says.

Sharon Gordon, a spokeswoman for the South Jersey Transportation Authority, which operates Atlantic City International Airport, said the East Coast Jets plane landed at the airport at 7:10 a.m. from its base in Allentown, Pa.

It picked up several passengers, although there is confusion about how many actually got in the plane, she said.

"We really don't know the total amount," she said. "It turned around very quickly, leaving at 8:13 a.m., and required no services on the ground."

Toni Evans, an executive assistant for the SOSH architectural firm in Atlantic City, said at least some of those on board the plane were affiliated with the company, though they were not employees of it.

"They were from a couple of different companies," she said. "We've been asked not to say anything further about it at this point. We don't know who survived and who didn't."

She said the people affiliated with the firm were New Jersey residents.

SOSH specializes in designing casino projects. It is helping design the $2 billion Revel Entertainment casino-hotel project in Atlantic City, and the $333 million Buffalo Creek casino-hotel project in upstate New York for the Seneca Nation, among other projects.

(© 2009 CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. The Associated Press contributed to this report.)