Sunday, September 27, 2009


I find myself turning to this source out of pure desperation, when there is absolutely no outlet for my grief and sadness. I'd like to consider it a form of therapy - facing my thoughts, feelings head-on. If you run away from something, it never goes away, it will stay inside you forever. If you fight something, it only makes that something stronger. Then again, until you find something you are willing to fight for, you'll always be looking for something to fight against.

My life is completely and utterly upside-down - 180 degrees from where I was just 3 months ago. Things will never be the same. I would never expect them to be. I don't want them to be. But I do want them to be different than they are at this very moment. Much different.

Our entire world is fleeting. Each moment passes and we are closer to the end - the old cliche of being suspended in a constant and consistent state of moving toward the finale. A pessimistic point-of-view: we are perpetually dying.

Maybe a happy ending is just knowing when to drop the curtain. You have to drop it at that exact moment of bliss for it to hold any meaning. One moment too late and we are right back where we started.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


i chewed ambien again. the coating gets stuck in my teeth for hours. it doesn't work fast enough when i just swallow it. i need immediate relief. sleep can't come soon enough.

today it was ramen noodles that set me off. how pathetic - 5 years of schooling, a dual degree, i can't even afford to put more than ramen noodles in my stomach. i contemplated the 2 forties of old e in the fridge. that would be a quick way to fall asleep.

i've been crying for almost 3 hours. my dad's gone - well on his way to his new life in san diego with his new spouse and new uncorrupted, normal son that he always wanted. can't spend time with his DNA-bearing spawn but can run away across the country with his new family. i envy how easy it is for him to leave it all behind. my mom won't pick up the phone. i need someone to talk to. not even to talk to, just to be near. a body. i just need a warm, heaving chest next to me. i have no one. i am so fucking alone.

i do love fall, though. it's kind of twisted if you think about it. it's the season where things are steadily dying and decaying that i feel most alive.