Tuesday, September 1, 2009


i chewed ambien again. the coating gets stuck in my teeth for hours. it doesn't work fast enough when i just swallow it. i need immediate relief. sleep can't come soon enough.

today it was ramen noodles that set me off. how pathetic - 5 years of schooling, a dual degree, i can't even afford to put more than ramen noodles in my stomach. i contemplated the 2 forties of old e in the fridge. that would be a quick way to fall asleep.

i've been crying for almost 3 hours. my dad's gone - well on his way to his new life in san diego with his new spouse and new uncorrupted, normal son that he always wanted. can't spend time with his DNA-bearing spawn but can run away across the country with his new family. i envy how easy it is for him to leave it all behind. my mom won't pick up the phone. i need someone to talk to. not even to talk to, just to be near. a body. i just need a warm, heaving chest next to me. i have no one. i am so fucking alone.

i do love fall, though. it's kind of twisted if you think about it. it's the season where things are steadily dying and decaying that i feel most alive.

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